applesauce55

Your face.

Ohhhhhh snap!

He would look like Josef Fritzl. I have to warn you, the contents in this article are very disturbing. I almost cried, and I wanted to throw up.

It’s payback time for daughter as Josef Fritzl is incarcerated

You know what's incredible? Quite a few people put down a celebrity's name to define greatness. Isn't that bizarre? Would you agree that greatness could be defined in the rise of our own downfall? I guess I'm still hopeful.

Your Animal is the Cat

You are independent to the point of being stubborn. You stick to your values. You are loyal, trustworthy, and honest. You are very devoted to your family. You are aloof towards those you don't know well, but you are affectionate with those you are close to. You are a creative, sensual, and mysterious person. You are agile and flexible.

And I don't even like cats. Pffth...

Continuous, serious lying. You know, like when someone tells you they've never been arrested when they actually have been...and it's kind of important you know. Or smoking. See, I've been with a few smokers. The first guy I KNEW smoked, and kind of regrettably dealt with it. The second guy told me he didn't smoke because he knew I didn't WANT to be with a smoker. Another lie. Wow, this is getting personal. :D

Anyone who would threaten suicide after a fight. That's ridiculous and I'm not down with that kind of irresponsible drama. I need some kind of stability in my life. I'm going to have to go out on a limb here and say cheating if it's with another family member. Not just your everyday cheating, you know? If I was seeing someone and he slept with my sister I couldn't handle that. Not to say I'd be able to handle it if it was done with a perfect stranger, but I can't say how I would react. Although...I've been cheated on before and I think I handled it extremely well.

Any kind of abuse. If someone was tearing me up emotionally with the sole purpose to hurt or bring me down, I wouldn't tolerate it. Physical abuse is a given on my part, but I can almost empathize with women who go back to the men who laid hands on them. I can't say I understand completely, but I'd never call a woman stupid for going back. They are fighting a separate battle within themselves.

I'll leave it at that, as those are those most serious deal breakers. And yes, this entry is public. I have no idea why. I just felt like it.

Good Luck 1) How many siblings do I have? I'm the only child. 1 2 3

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Landon turned two on April 20. He went to bed right before 8pm and has been waking around 8-8:30am every day after that now. Landon is incredible. He's eating tons and talking more now than ever. He plays the guitar Grandy (my dad) bought him for Christmas and sings his own little tune. Almost every morning when he wakes he wants me to read to him first thing. That's fun, to get past the blurred vision and scratchy voice. We also just recently found out he's terrified of roaches. I wonder if he's scared of spiders like his daddy, too.

Everyday is a challenge. I'm struggling...to be a good mom, a good daughter, a good friend. I'm struggling. I clean everyday. Sometimes I read, but sometimes I work on my book. Yeah, I started writing a book. I don't know if it will be a success, but at the moment I think it's a pretty good idea. It keeps me busy, anyway.

Did I delete my MySpace? Yes, I did. It's not a huge loss.

Oh, I grew a pair and sang karoake for the first time ever the other night. I sang "Cowboy Take Me Away" by the Dixie Chicks. My sister says I did pretty good.

That's not all, but let's not make this depressing. I hope all of you are well, healthy, and happy. ♥

LANDON WENT POOP IN HIS TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS SO EXCELLENT!

It could be water retention like my mother says, but honestly, what much of a difference would that make? I'm happy to announce that my weight is up to 115. Oh, the holidays bring much joy to my belly! And yesterday we had Christmas at my Grandma's. It was postponed because she came down with something, but she's doing much better now, thank God. Landon and Melyna were spoiled by friends and family. I mean really, the love is enormous.

I'm so terribly terrified and excited all at once for the New Year. I do not have any resolutions, I only have a plan. However, I cannot be attached to this plan. The waiting, it only gets longer. And no real big plans. I'm hoping to see my friend Diane, though! No telling what's in store there. ;P

My sweet, sweet Landon. The older he gets the bigger the temper. Oh man, what a stage. The boy is wearing me out. He's an angel for everyone, but when I come into the picture all hell breaks loose. He likes to test me in the worst ways. And I have to admit, I'm thinking about getting a spray bottle to correct him. Let me explain why. I was in a public restroom when he decided to go over and have a look at the toilet seat. I kept telling him no, but alas, his hand ended up on the toilet seat anyway. I was cleaning my hands at this time so when I finished I said, "No-no," as I flicked that cold water in his face. He backed away from the toilet with a look of dis-satisfactory. Mission failed, buddy! And then I said, "Yeah, ya didn't like that did you?"
Hmm...am I wrong? :D

So I'm up at 2:22am because I haven't been sleeping well at all. However, now I'm pretty damn tired and hungry to boot. Whatever shall I do?

Landon and I are both okay. I'm waiting/looking forward to getting a hard drive for my computer. It's difficult to use my sister's computer because her screen is busted and the internet browser continues to quit on us. I never know when it will happen. I know I am incredibly far behind on any and every update. I hope each and every one of you is well. Hopefully I will get a chance to make a real update. I'm supposed to be updating my journal, actually. One of the things therapist would like to see me continue to do since it's one of my main outlets.

Let me know what's going on with you. Comments are screened. ♥

I've struggled getting here to my journal today. My sister's computer is a piece of work. Found out she had a trojan horse, so I promptly took care of that. I just recently added Firefox to her computer because Explorer is the worst possible browser ever. Why do they even continue to provide it? However, sometimes Firefox won't even load for me. I can't imagine what else is going on on this thing. I need to defrag it, too. Maybe tonight, as it will have to sit here without disturbance.

I had a pretty emotional therapy session today. I allowed myself to cry as I've been wanting to. Still, he noticed that I tried hard to stop from crying because I have this need to be strong throughout it all. He also pointed out that I fidget around when discussing certain things, which I am aware of myself. I wish I could rid of that, too. I want to be able to sit across from anyone with a straight posture and a positive outlook. A strong stance in general.

I suppose I'm here in Florida at the right time. October-November are excellent months for me HERE. It's beautiful outside, yet I'm disappointed because I cannot get a hold of my friends. I could use my friends at this moment. I speak only of two specific people whom I haven't seen in a while. I don't know how to reach them or if they are even aware of how badly I wish to speak with them. I want them to lend their ears because I admit, I'm struggling. Ahhh, busy lives. That's the issue. Or an excuse?

After some time I have to work on structure. My therapist and I discussed this. I'm dependent on others right now, but that will change. The positive is that I have this journal as an outlet. I also exercise to keep a healthy state of mind. Some people might say the usual, "You don't need to work out!! Look at you!" But again, it's not about my image. Fact is, exercise is healthy. Venting is healthy. Everything else that I am working on for my well being...is healthy.

The most important one of course. ;P

Diane and I with the lead singer of Blue October:

Yesterday one of my sister's friends was over to visit. He hadn't seen me since October or November of 2004. While I was changing Landon's diaper he was in the kitchen asking Robyn about my weight, saying I'm so skinny. See, the last time he saw me I was probably around 115-120 pounds. My weight is now at 110, which is better than 103, but still. Yeah, I get it, I'm skinny. One, I'm still breastfeeding, and two, I'm still under a lot of stress. But you know what? I take care of myself.

I got really upset because I could hear them talking in the kitchen. Robyn said, "Who, Barbara?"
"Yeah," he said. Robyn replied with something after that, but I didn't hear. He said he was just pointing it out. So when I asked Robyn later on we were about to eat some barbecue pork, mac and cheese and okra. As I was making my plate I said, "I don't know...maybe I shouldn't eat this..." I whipped my head around and yelled, "I might get fat!!" Then I made remarks about going to the bathroom and throwing it all up. However, that wasn't his thought at all. In fact, he figured maybe I had gotten into DRUGS while I was in New York. Well, I'm used to people thinking I have an eating disorder, but this is surely a first.

I ended up embarrassing him. I said, "Well, I still breastfeed Landon!"
He looked down at my chest, looked away with a red face and said, "Yeah, I can see that!"
"He takes a lot out of me," I continued.
Really, I'm just so sick of this. I said it before, but I'm saying it again. Just because someone is thin it doesn't mean they are OK with their image. I am just as sensitive as an overweight individual might be. I don't like the remarks, they are not funny. I do not enjoy being called a "skinny bitch." I'm a bitch because I'm thin? Makes so much sense. I wish I was back to my original weight. I enjoyed my body, but now I feel uncomfortable because I am allowing other people to make me feel uncomfortable.

I don't know. Maybe this will help other people think before they speak.

Tomorrow night notallthere927 and I shall go to a Blue October concert. She's the big fan here. I only know two of their songs, but I am downloading a bunch of their songs now and I'm really enjoying them. The last concert I went to was a Dave Matthews Band concert with Darren. A fight broke out right in front of us and I had to bring my breast pump with me. HA! This was last year. Not the best time, but not the worst.

Annnd, I will be discussing a trip to Gainesville with a few of you shortly. I love you all. ♥

because this made me laugh:

Oh my God, everything seems to be spinning out of control. I'm at my emotional peak right now. Nothing makes sense right now. I talked with Darren's therapist and I just cried and cried and raised my voice. "That doesn't make sense to me!" I said. And then he'd reply, "OK, OK. I just wanted to see where you were at." But when he said, "OK, OK," I wondered what he was thinking then. How do I sound? Reasonable?? Confused?? Undetermined?? Really, I just want to know WHY NOW? And it's funny, MY therapist told me I'd hit this phase.
Why now? Why is this happening?
And really, why is it? I should be thinking, What can I do to fix this? I want this all to stop. I actually said, "Oh Mom..." and crawled to her to lay my head in her lap so I could just cry. But it's not enough to make me feel better. There's still so much more. I just want to let go.